We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
