how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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