is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
