Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
