Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
