i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
