Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
