I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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