you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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