I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
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