Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
