Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
