I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
