Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
