i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
