I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
