I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
