Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
