You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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