Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize