new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
