how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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