Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
