I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
