It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
The Olympian is in my bed
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
