This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
