He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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