Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
