Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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