dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize