Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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