This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
