If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
