so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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