My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
