If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
