bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
