Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
