so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Still dying that you shit outside
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
