Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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