i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
