You can't motorboat a personality
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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