that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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