you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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