can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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