I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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