I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
