all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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