You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
