As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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