Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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