help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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