My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
