There is no way he is gay with that hair.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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